15 Secrets
to Save and Strengthen
Your
Marriage / Relationship
*As witnessed by a divorce attorney
ALL THE REASONS WHY
So You Think You Want a Divorce? Or perhaps a legal separation? As a divorce attorney, I’ve probably heard every reason in the book for getting a divorce. There are traditional reasons, and then there are some unlikely and unusual reasons. Here is the alphabetical listing of some of the reasons people are divorcing these days:
a. My spouse is an alcoholic
b. My wife doesn’t keep the house clean
c. My husband sleeps in women’s lingerie
d. My wife refuses to have sex often enough
e. My wife spends money we don’t have
f. My husband is physically abusive to me
g. My husband wants me to participate in wife-
swapping, but I don’t want to
h. My wife is leaving me for another woman
i. I’ve fallen out of love with my husband/wife
j. We’ve grown apart
k. My husband told me he is gay
l. My husband’s kids have come between us
m. My wife went back to her x-husband
n. My husband left me for his secretary
o. My husband/wife is too controlling and I’m
tired of it
p. My wife/husband is depressed all the time!
q. I never loved him/her. We had to get married
r. We married too quickly - in Vegas, and it
wasn’t meant to be
s. My husband criticizes me all the time
t. I just want to be alone, I’m tired of taking care
of him and everything else
u. My husband won’t work
v. I want less stress in my life
w. He doesn’t trust me
x. We have different goals
y. My husband’s gambling has put us in
financial ruin
z. I’m in love with someone else that’s better for me.
and on and on and on the reasons go. Most of the time, by the time they have reached my office they are confirmed in their decision, and the relationship cannot be reconciled or rehabilitated. I have often had to pick my mouth up off the floor when I hear what goes on in certain homes and relationships.
Over the years, I have seen and done hundreds of divorces, so I have become quite cynical about the chances of success in marriage. It’s to the point now when I see the line of people at the courthouse waiting to get their marriage license, I smile and say to myself, “Good Luck! but I’ll probably see you in a few years!” Or worse, I feel inclined to hand out business cards…. just in case. Of course I don’t, but I have considered it.
Even when the couple has only been married a short time, divorce is a difficult period and a somber time for most. It represents the end, or death, of the relationship as they had known it. It represents the end of the hopes and dreams they had for the union. Often, the “relationship” continues because of children or because of a shared asset or a partnership etc., but their relationship will never be the same again.
Some divorces are sadder than others. I can handle most divorces with a feeling of, “Well, that’s just the way it is between them, so let’s get down to the business of separating assets.” But for me, it is most difficult to see a couple who has been married 25+ years who have decided to get a divorce or a legal separation. I can’t help but think…” Wow, you both have made it through so many transitions in life, often including advanced schooling, births of children, debt, sickness, etc., so what would make them finally say- it’s over?” One couple seemed to laugh and joke with one another on a general, social level while in my office, and they had been married 35 years. That divorce was hard for me to see, but not as hard for me as it was for their grown children. The divorce was also hard on each of them. They had forgotten what it was like to be separate from the other. Sometimes couples don’t realize how the longevity of their relationships effect others, even as a community at large.
I also wrestle with the divorces of couples who seem generally compatible, who have minor children, but who, for whatever reason, have grown apart. Without question, the season of raising children is a complicated and difficult time in a couple’s life, often riddled with complications and “busy”-ness physically, along with taxing, emotional demands as their children enter the teen years. With all the “busy”-ness and demands of their schedules, couples forget to prioritize themselves into the equation –then, after years of unmet needs and no interaction they both feel distant from one another and ready for a change.
From what I’ve seen
consistently….
DIVORCE IS SOMETIMES THE EASIEST WAY (at least from first blush)…….IT’S STAYING TOGETHER THAT IS THE HARD PART, …….but, as I’ll explain, it is worth the battle for many reasons.
Here are some important reasons to stay together:
REASONS TO STAY TOGETHER:
· As the family goes, so goes the Nation.
You have probably heard, as often as I, there is symbiotic relationship
between the solidarity of our society and the solidarity of our families. The first rests upon the strength of the
latter. Certainly, our greatest foes
understand this, and the family unit has been under attack from all sides and
sources for decades, to include the re-defining of a woman’s role in society-
and the corresponding degradation of the role of a homemaker, to the re-defining of the rights of
parents regarding the raising of their children. Every night our televisions are bombarded
with sit-coms that depict a lack of respect for parents, and a lack of fidelity
between spouses, and many other morals stemming from the
·
Divorce
is financially devastating.
I have never seen a couple have MORE money after they have split than they had before their division. If a couple has a combined accumulation of assets during the marriage, totaling $300,000, after they split, in theory, each receives only half or $150,000. Although $300,000 may be enough to purchase a nice home, $150,000 may not. Each has a standard of living change that is drastically reduced from what they previously enjoyed as a couple. Plus, after they each pay for legal expenses to include court fees, depositions, attorneys, any expert witnesses that may testify in their case, child support, alimony, appeals etc., they will be lucky to receive any liquid assets at all from their broken union. This is something that couples should seriously consider when they are contemplating a separation or divorce. Is it worth it to spend the next 20 years rebuilding just to get where I am today?
·
Most
couples end up only switching problems.
Very few times is life “Happily ever after”. Even when partners are switched, health problems continue, financial problems remain, emotional baggage continues (unless dealt with), etc.. Plus, sometimes we end up taking on new problems….errant and disrespectful step-children, a new partner that has an X that is the Devil herself or himself.
·
Stress of
divorce can cause anxiety and health issues;
The process of divorce or legal separation creates enormous anxiety and stress in our lives. There are so many unknowns..i.e. who the assigned judge will be, what bias’ he/she may have, how will the financial concerns be resolved, etc..
· Divorced singles face many disadvantages:
1. Lonelines
Even if the divorcee re-enters the dating world there are times when the kids are at the other parent’s home, or there is no suitable person you want to date, or it’s the holidays and you’re in between relationships and you find yourself alone and lonely.
2. Financial duress
Divorce is almost always financially devastating. Litigation expenses are high when you end up in a legal battle over kids, child support, alimony, or division of your accumulated assets.
I have always tried to run my practice as ethically as possible, but all attorneys are not alike. I represented a woman for divorce whose husband hired a former municipal judge for his divorce attorney.
At court, I pulled the other attorney aside and said, “This is a pretty simple case, and the parties don’t have any kids or many assets we should be able to resolve this case rapidly and get the parties on their way”. He leaned closer to me and replied, “Well, I don’t know about that. There is a $13,000 worker’s comp suit and a $19,000 retirement account,” then nudging my arm with his elbow and smiling a little, he continued, “and the attorneys are going to get all that!” I quickly nudged him back with my elbow and said, “Not this attorney.” Then he said, “Well, uh -yes, I mean, uh,…you know, it’s going to take time and all.”
Thankfully, my client was able to get divorced in only 6 days from that date and she only paid me $750 dollars, total!
Reputation is everything though, and she has continued to send me good referrals. Most important, I sleep better on my pillow at night.
However, you can see from this true example that divorce can strip parties’ of their hard-earned assets. They end up with the same debts they had, plus more. However, now they only have one income to pay the outstanding debts, instead of two.
This is why divorce and bankruptcy go hand in hand. In fact, divorce often leads to bankruptcy for one or both parties, and bankruptcy does not erase all debts. Plus, bankruptcy has a direct effect on your future ability to get credit for a new home, car, or other ventures.
Additionally, every time assets are divided one, or both parties, have to buy replacement items they lost to maintain their prior lifestyle. Each party has to spend present day earnings to buy new “start up” replacement appliances, ie. a new toaster, microwave, washer and dryer, etc. after they are divided.
I read a study recently, that
found that the wealthiest people in
Traditionally, single divorced women have faired the worst in divorces. They often have the children to raise without financial support comparable to their spouse’s prior salary, and little resources to put them back on their feet financially.
3. Communicable diseases
Recent statistics showed 1 in 4 single persons carry a sexually communicable disease. These are not favorable statistics for someone seeking long-term companionship, but who is worried about contacting a sexual disease at the same time.
4. Social stigma
There used to be more of a social stigma associated with being a divorcee’. Nowadays, being divorced is more the NORM. In fact, it may be more normal than being in a lasting, monogamous relationship.
I’ve been married to my husband almost 23 years now. I’ll never forget about 10 years ago when my oldest sons were told at school about all the toys their friends had gotten for Christmas from their STEP-moms and their STEP-dads. My kids came running in to me, just off the bus, and were almost indignant asking me, “Why don’t we have any step-parents?” I still laugh when I think of that experience. I never thought I’d have to answer that question. Here, we thought we were doing the best for them, yet their greed turned it around somehow!
Although divorce is the norm, great respect goes to those couples that have lasted through thick and thin times and spanned the decades.
Years ago, I met a woman in an airport line who was covered in diamonds! On her ring alone, there were probably ten 1-carat diamonds, all mounted together in a gold setting. I said, “Wow, that’s incredible!” She replied in her cute Texan drawl, “Honey, let me tell you how I got these.” She said, “This represents 50 years of Never havin’ a headache!” Of course, everyone around us burst out laughing, but what respect a 50 year marriage earns from one and all.
In contrast, I have a dear girlfriend whom I tease is in a race with Elizabeth Taylor for having the most husbands. Not really, but she has been in 6 marriages at the age of 42. Now, that’s hard to do, and still keep your day job! When you talk to her, she honestly represents that there is embarrassment she feels and encounters over those figures.
Depending on where you look, statistics show that our:
· First marriage has a 50-55% chance of ending in divorce
· Our second marriage has about a 75% chance of ending in divorce; and
· Our third, and subsequent marriages, have a 94-97% chance of ending in divorce.
For these reasons alone, it is easy to see why it is important to work on our first and/or second marriages and give it all we’ve got. If we do so, there will be fewer regrets and we will not be a victim of the odds game.
Speaking of odds, it reminds me of my girlfriend’s
comment. She lives in
5. Time constraints for single parents
I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden is true in this case. If you think you’re busy now, imagine doing everything ALONE. No one to spell you off when you are late at work and the children need to be picked up, or no one to help with homework when you are sick and in bed. Housework is still demanding, but now you have to do all the inside work, as well as the outside chores!
Let me give you a glimpse of a small piece of the divorcee’s world. Instead of being LESS complicated their lives become MORE complicated. I have a divorced client who routinely goes to bed at about 11:30 p.m., to wake up at 5:00 a.m.. She gets the kids breakfast ready, then wakes them up, feeds them, and dresses them each day before taking them to school. Then, in the evening she feeds the children, bathes them, does homework, laundry, shopping, etc., then back to bed, only to start the process all over again the next morning.
6. Visitation issues to deal with
Usually divorced parties end up dating and remarrying someone who is also divorced. Often, the new spouse also has children from their previous marriage. So besides dealing with their own set of time constraints and visitation orders, now they have to juggle the visitation order for their spouse’s children too. On a rare occasion, I have seen this work beautifully. Yet, .in the majority of cases, it is a fiasco! Trying to get all the kids together on the same weekend is almost impossible, especially when their prior spouse is also juggling weekends with their new partner’s kids. Overall, life gets very complicated.
7. Step parent issues
Beyond the historical complaints we’ve all heard about the “mean old stepmother or stepfather”, there are genuine issues of loyalty. I see couples whose relationship is stressed by the allegiance each has to their own children over them, or their children. Additionally, if discipline is not even-handed, more complaints arise about partiality. Sometimes, even if it is even-handed, one party doesn’t want their partner disciplining their own kids. I hear common complaints of, “He’s easier on his kids than mine,” or “She shows favoritism to her kids, and makes mine do all the chores around the house.”
Children also make harmony difficult because they pick favorites, take sides, and often don’t want to have anyone else get more attention from their parent than they do. Children can break relationships up because of their jealousy and actions.
On a serious note, we also hear complaints about allegations of sexual and physical abuse by the new step-parent.
8. Less ability to qualify for house or other
larger purchases with only one person to qualify
It has only been within the last decade, surprisingly enough, that women have been able to qualify, more easily, for a mortgage without a co-signator. This was an obvious bias against women, but time has eroded some of the problems. However, upon separation, your credit report may still show joint debts that have been awarded to your X, making your debt to income ratio weakened. There are many other financial detriments as well.
The 20th Century was the “If it feels good….Do it!” century. The 21st Century will go down in history as the, “If it doesn’t feel good, throw it away” Century. Everything today is disposable. Disposable lunches, cloths, toothbrushes, clothes, bags, papers, gloves, and containers, etc.. This is especially true of relationships. There is such a “ME” Syndrome in our society today, that a genuine concern for others’ needs is rarely considered. More than not, the complaint I hear is, “I’m just not happy”, “He doesn’t fill my needs anymore,” “I want something more out of life,” and “I don’t want to serve someone anymore, I want time for myself”. The “ME”-I–tis syndrome is everywhere, and it has had, and continues to have a monumental effect on the family unit.
In my family law practice I’ve seen daily representations of the things that break down a marriage, and conversely, those same things reversed can SAVE and STRENGTHEN a marriage.
15 SECRETS
TO STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE / RELATIONSHIP
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